I was on retreat with my mentor last week and during a laser coaching session, I asked her what she saw as my “blind spot” (this is an area of our self that we are not aware of, but is usually obvious to others). We had an agreement amongst the group that if we put ourselves in the circle and asked for laser coaching, she was going to be brutally honest. I wanted that. It’s part of the reason I chose her as one of my mentors. Unfortunately, most of the world is conditioned to be “nice” and “kind”. We are taught not to “hurt each others feelings”. But sometimes the truth can hurt….the ego. The truth also sets you free.
She told me she thought I was lying to myself and that I was also having a crisis of faith!
I felt Shocked! Devastated! Shattered! (at least my ego was) :)How could I be lying to myself? My whole brand – Btrue2me – is about truth! Helping people find their deepest truth and live from that place so that they create joyful, abundant lives!
My ego railed, thrashed about and threw a mother of a tantrum! I cried, felt sorry for myself and, eventually, surrendered. Once I did, I was able to see where I had indeed been lying to myself.
What a gift! It is all the things we are unwilling to see and accept about ourselves that keep us in struggle, denial, fear, shame, rejection etc. it cuts us off from our brilliance, magnificence, creativity and ultimately our joy and abundance!
It is exactly because my purpose is to embody joy and truth (and to help others do the same) that I had to see where I was lying to myself and be able to see and accept this with compassion. If I can’t see it I can’t change it!
I bet you’re a little curious about what I was lying to myself about…
I was telling myself there are not enough people “out there” who are willing to pay for coaching; That I still loved going to my part time job at the PT clinic. I saw how I had lied to myself, and others, in the past. Every time I told myself that what I had to say was not that important, or had been said before, so I needn’t bother. Every time I told my children I couldn’t afford something they wanted, when the money was sitting in my bank account, instead of telling the truth which was: that’s not what I choose to spend my money on right now. Every time I played small because I was afraid to outshine my sister.
I also saw that I had learned to lie at a very early age by watching the adults around me lie. We all do. We buy into lies everyday and this is another way of lying to ourselves. This is why it is so important that we have compassion with ourselves. It is the only way we will allow ourselves to see what is really there.
The biggest lie of all is that we have anything to fear. You see, there are really only two states of being. Love and Fear. All other states are a subset of one of these. For example: anxiety, frustration, resistance and anger, are all subsets of fear. Compassion, peace, joy and ease, are all subsets of love.
We are made from love, we come from love, we are love. When you are in fear, you are out of integrity with who you truly BE, which is love, so you feel the consequences of that, which is tension, anxiety struggle, dis-ease, and lack (of energy, money, health)
And my crisis of faith?
It turns out that I had lost a piece of my essence – Bold Fearlessness.
Recognizing this loss and reclaiming it was key in my ability to step into the unknown and TRUST- God, The Universe and Myself – completely. To act as if. To know – beyond the shadow of a doubt, that all is well. I am guided, cared for, that there is abundance everywhere. To live and create from that place. That’s what love does. That’s what love is.
So on the last night of our retreat, I made a vow: No more lying to myself.
I vowed to reclaim the lost pieces of my essence and to live from that place.
My truth. To use my voice to speak my truth, unambiguously and unapologetically, for the greater good of all.