Last week I got this cryptic text message from a friend:
When I finally figured out it was not an email she was referring to (lol) I checked my mailbox outside and found a huge box that contained two boxes of a brand of Jamaican ginger tea (that I had enjoyed while visiting with her in Key West) and a beautiful piece of Coral that I had admired in a gift shop down by the pier as we were “doing the Tourist thing” one evening.
My initial reaction was joyful surprise and delight!
Then it quickly turned to guilt. Why would she do this for me? I knew she was having some financial challenges so why did she “waste” her money on buying me this gift?
Then shame. I “should” have bought her a gift (to say thank you for having me). I’m not thoughtful enough.
Before I knew it my joy had been snuffed out! A simple kind act was turned into an opportunity to beat up on myself.
This was an old pattern rearing its head. Thankfully, I have a level of self awareness that allowed me to recognize what was happening.
I quickly changed the conversation in my mind to this:
“What a lovely thought! I open to receive this random act of appreciation and love! It’s not my job to make buying decisions for people. Thank you Universe for this demonstration of how loved I am! I open and receive joyfully!”
How often do we ask for abundance and then unconsciously limit our ability to receive by trying to control how, or from where, it comes?
I have learned to laugh at myself instead of beating myself up as I catch myself (regularly) trying to manipulate and wrangle with the Universe to get what I want. While forgetting that the Universe desires to gift me – abundantly – with my hearts desires!
It is tiring, complicated and frustrating. What I truly desire is grace and ease.
And so I surrender. Over. And over. again.
I surrender to partnering with the Divine.
I surrender the habit of struggle.
I surrender the habit of complicating things and making them harder than they need to be.
I start by admitting that I don’t know how. I think I know. I keep thinking I need to know. Instead of allowing myself to connect with and trust the Divine in me.
I have compassion for that part of myself I am now seeing. The part that does not trust, that believes that I have to figure it out myself and do it on my own. The part of me that takes great pride in being “independent”, “doing it myself” and “not needing anyone to help me”.
How often does this way of thinking and being actually hold us back? Limiting our ability to connect, collaborate and receive?
The beauty of surrendering is that it allows us to shift back into our ‘Million Dollar Zone’ of ease and flow. To re-align with the aspect of ourselves that DOES know. That DOES trust. That CAN receive.
Here is a Ultimate Surrender process I adapted from a talk by Spiritual teacher Matt Kahn:
In honor of surrender, I accept I’m not here to be better at anything, I’m here to be more honest about my experiences, so that the universe can work through me and do on my behalf, what cannot be done by the person alone.
I accept I don’t know how to awaken, so universe please work through me and do it on my behalf.
I don’t know how to accept and forgive and, even if I think I do, Universe please work through me and do it on my behalf.
I accept that I do not know how to be loving all the time and instead of judging myself, for what cannot be done by the person alone, universe please work through me do it on my behalf.
I accept that I do not know how to heal this body, I don’t know how to settle this mind, I don’t know how to make peace with my ego, despite my best efforts, so universe please work through me and do it on my behalf.
I accept I don’t know how to open my chakras and activate my light body, to clear my cellular body and to be grounded, aligned and intuitive all the time. Universe please work through me and do it on my behalf.
I accept I don’t know how to manifest the wealth and prosperity that is already waiting for me, so universe please work through me and resolve it on my behalf.
I accept I don’t know my life’s highest purpose and even if I think I do, universe please work through me and resolve it on my behalf.
I accept I don’t know how to stop the pain I’m in, so universe please work through me and resolve it on my behalf.
I accept I don’t know how to be the change I see, universe please work through me and resolve it on my behalf.
I accept I don’t know how to stop judging, criticizing and finger-pointing, so universe please work through me and resolve it on my behalf.
As I call upon the universe to work through me, it will still seem as if I am the doer, the orchestrator and the chooser of each option and decision. But instead of thinking of myself as a person doing it, I accept that I am the universe choosing it all, while appearing human in form.
What that teaches me is that it’s not always about knowing what to do but just taking the time to remember who is actually doing it. The universe does it all, for the well-being of all and so I am surrendered and free.
And so I am. And so it is.
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